I e-mailed Susie to find out when the magazine was to be made public and to my surprise it is already available. For as much money as I "invested" in this I'd think she'd let me know what the hell is going on. So I checked out the website and it appears there is no 2008 issue. It goes from 2007 to 2009, just like Mazda did with the Miata in the 1998 model year. Maybe she puts all the jackarses like me in the phantom 2008 issue available only in the Chernobyl Valley.And back the f-word up, is that John Cannon of Kodiak on the mudderphutting cover? Bloody hell! He's probably got four forklift loads of letters and I'm still waiting for a radioactive post card from three-arm Olga. DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!!!! I could have bought that Acer Aspire One mini laptop for what I shelled out to Miss Carter for zero action from human females. I could have bought 20 more cases of Raindoggie Dogg or enough Crown to run my Suburu off for an entire summer. I could have paid for my heating oil bill next month but nooooooooooooo, El Sandinista gets more goose eggs than CC Sabathia.
And it turns out there is an Alaska Men calendar coming out in December which I'm sure I'm not in because she didn't ask me for any nude pics. What am I supposed to do with this 200 page portfolio now? I might as well change my name to Jeffery Dahmer or Cero En Cero Ocho because it wouldn't make any difference. I'm Bruce Willis in Undateable. With all the attention Sarahmania has brought and millions of chicks looking for their own Todd covered in Levi...I mean, wild elk blood, this is as prime time as it gets. I swear, every guy in Alaska should have a retro Falcons #21 jersey on, seriously. I bet Cannon does.
If I don't get one response out of this by January I'm cutting my wanker off and selling it on Craigslist for the amount of $400 payable to Nicholas J. Sandin.
