Someday I will be old and look back on my life...on the internet.
Saturday, November 10th, 2007
After Jock of the Rock featuring The Clarkston and a high school athlete it was time to make skyward and return to my adopted city of Seattle. When I check into my flight I spy Amanda from the Baywatch cannery who doesn’t recognize a clean shaved Nick.
Packer Penny is on the plane and turns out she tunes in to JOTR , thus making her Listener #25. I’m almost at the point I can quit counting. Once again my bag barely makes it at 48.6 pounds. I have a Crown felt bag full of pennies, nickels, and dimes in my carry on that feels like it weighs more than my checked bag. In fact I worry TSA will consider it a weapon and take my change.
On board Era I pull a Bob Uecker and take seat 1B next to everybody’s favorite bartender brat, Miss Danielle. Somewhere over the Barren Islands I convince the ladies in 1C and 1D that Tony’s Most Wanted is my daughter. Seeing yer bartender in the light of day is kind of like being a school kid and seeing yer teacher at the grocery store. Her massive Michael Strahan shoulder are pushing me into the aisle. Not really.
The flight attendant is another Ukrainian accented chick. I swear Era gets all their stewardesses from a Russian mail-order bride catalog. She has on some funky black boots with an odd metal buckle on the side that looks functional but has no really use except to make me stare at it in wonder. It makes her look like a German dominatrix or character from The Matrix…from the knee down. “We have coffee, tea, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, or spankings.”
Once on the ground I try calling Antwaan Randy El but to no avail. I decide to pass on the $15 cab to 621 International Airport Road and purchase CAR AND DRIVER for my next jet ride.
If there was one thing I learned on my October trip is that I’m never going to meet Ms. Right on the Rock and that this time is precious. The six year denial about dating in Kodiak has finally evaporated. For a change of pace I’ve actually made an effort and dressed far better than normal for the trip. I recall having to wear a tie on sports trips in Kodiak and how I always admired the Miami Hurricanes showing up to a bowl game decked out in green camo. I figure I only have a week or so to meet a decent women so I better use every weapon at my disposal, including what I commonly call “skyscraper attire.”. You would probably call it “professional” but I use that word when I see boots like those on the flight attendant. And isn’t the pilot the one attending to the flight, shouldn’t they really be called passenger attendants?
The ride in uneventful and I get in about midnight. Page. Two.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007
Jerm and I hit The Hurricane Café downtown which is legendary in our mid-nineties days, the standard stop after the clubs. Sometimes we were the only non-tattooed/pierced/emo before emo was cool people in there. And they still have my dish, The Typhoon: basically Denver omelet innards minus the egg on a heap of hash browns with sour cream and cheap salsa. Back in the day you got free hash browns if you ate the whole thing. Back in the day.
There are two amazingly slutty looking girls sitting at the counter. It is good to be back.
That morning I watch the Redskins-Eagles game on FOX before biking downtown with my fat bag of change for the Coinstar machine at Safeway in Renton. I dump the purple pouch into the mix and walk away with $46.47. I still can not believe the Safeway in Kodiak doesn’t have on of these things. C’mon Terry!
I take my cash to the Cedar River Smokehouse (304 Wells Ave. S.) for lunch and enjoy a pulled pork sandwich and I swear the best baked beans I’ve ever had.
There is a beautiful young woman in a camo tee (very Seattle, kind of she-tundrasexual) in the checkout line behind me. I don’t even think much about the fact it is Veteran’s Day. 11/11 has always been Bubba’s birthday to me (Murray, not Clinton). I always picture homeless people when I hear the word ‘vet”. Why is that?
Since the Seahawks play Monday night it is kind of unusual to be free on a Sunday afternoon. Almost like a second bye week. I return to Safeway and get a Lotto ticket. The Million Dollar Raffle promotion is sold out. Damnit. Then I get harassed by some jackhole street hustler outside the store on my way back to my bike. That kind of crap just doesn’t happen in Kodiak.
That evening I eat pizza with Mr. And Mrs. Jason and his parents Bobbo and Linda. We watch San Diego upset the Colts. Don’t rename this Slowdown in Seattle just yet.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Game Day? Game Night! Jason and I hit my fav buffet at The Golden Indian Curry Hizzie (imported Indian beer, name forgotten) and I introduce him the wonder that is Tandoori Chicken. He doesn’t seem impressed. After lunch we hit a sports bar called The Spot (Crown and Seven x 3) for some darts. Kenny joins us later and he and I face off in an epic Cricket battle that consumes half the quarters in the mint to finish. I stand before you victorious.
We grab an 18 pack at the corner store and load up the Fan Van for downtown. Bobby and Jerm jump in, the golden era of hip hop CD starts, and off we go. The forecast was for winds close to 60mph so I keep Capt. Nick at home and go as myself.
Drew Carey raises the 12th Man flag and I raise both my thumbs pointed downward. How dare they let a Cleveland fan come in our house and fly our colors as if he was one of us. Shouldn’t he be in jail for eating Bob Barker? It turns out the funnyman is the new part-owner of the new MLS franchise that will be playing at Qwest in 2009. I plan to purchase my seat for the as yet unnamed team so no soccer fan ever disgraces it with their soccer ass. I propose they name the team the Seattle Sasquatches so they can keep the Sonics mascot when they go to BF-OK. Big Foot is a natural for a northwest team name if you ask me. Plus, like pro soccer, no one has actually seen one.
The Seahawks crush San Fran 24-0 in a laugher. On my way to Swannie’s (not to be confused with The Shwannie) I run into the ex of one of the guys we sit with which is odd but not really. She asks how everyone is except for the ex of course. Blah blah blah. Finally make it to the bar (Redhook ESB) and cross over to 88 Keys (Windermere Hefe). The dude tending is Alaskan and tells me he played in the Joe Floyd tourney for Monroe around 1998. There are cuties everywhere and when a hot girl sports a Deion Branch jersey you feel yer heart go pitter patter pitter patter. You can hate on the 51 other Mondays, leave this one alone.
Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
Jerm was kind enough to loan my his Jeep and I went downtown to meet up with the one I call Wendi Bell for coffee (OK, you know I don’t drink coffee, I had tea). She had a few hours in Seatown and for once we actually got to hang out for bit. Believe me, this is rare. Wendy has magical powers that made me go into Nordstrom’s with her and her youngest to look at overpriced handbags and scarfs. Lucky for me they have huge aquariums for small children and males to entertain themselves with. I liked the snail fish. Fascinating. After 90 minutes they had to leave and we said goodbye.
Since I was already downtown I decide to see what movies are placing at Pacific Place and as fate would have it they were showing the limited release of Star Trek: TOS- “The Menagerie” in ten minutes so I raced upstairs expected the show to be sold out and the place flooded with geeks. I knew a month ago they were only going to show this at about three places in Seattle and for only two nights, this being the first showing so I was surprised the place was only half full. Also amazing was nobody was decked out in uniforms and costumes as I’ve seen at premiers before (I’ve been to two believe it or not, I’m the Spock of the Rock). There were no hot chicks in the theater I might add. And they charged $12.50 to see it. Bloody hell.
They start out with Roddenberry Jr. talking forever about his pops, the early days, and explaining how they HDed the show. “The Menagerie” was the only two-part episode they did in the original series and it first aired November 17th and 24th, 1966. I don’t recall seeing it as a rerun by recognized the alien biatches with the big heads. Capt. Pike is in the house! The CGI FX were an improvement but didn’t look as good as those on the most recent run of Enterprise.
Taco Bell. Sleep.
Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
Jerm tells me to hold on to the SUV longer so I roll to Southcenter for a Zoopa lunch. . They don’t have the green beans today that they had last month. Damnit. The Tomato Basil soup gets my top honor of the visit and yes, I tried everything.
Hit the Goodwill down the street. Get some pants. God I’m cheap.
Having the half-a-Hummer Grand Cherokee I feel a tad safer to take the 405 and zip over to Kirkland, maybe the nicest town in the Sound. This is where the present Seahawks HQ is as well. Kirkland makes Bellevue look ghetto in my opinion but I’m biased. Anywho, I’m on a mission to find the Green Car. Co. and check out a new lil NEV called the Kurrent. I go by the ball field in the center of town which always recalls memories of the 1982 Little League World Champs who barely squeaked by Kodiak in All Stars that year.
After getting a tad lost I locate the shop and I’m told they had a bunch but sold them all in two weeks. However the girl in the office was kind enough to take me in the warehouse where they had not one but three brand new Vectrix electric motorcycles. They are one of the few places on the west coast that can get them and the price is still $11,500. Since I don’t have a license (and if I did it was pouring with rain) I didn’t get to take a spin on one but they look f-wording cool however I’d like to see one in blue as the colors where kinda bland.
Since I was already there I decide to walk around downtown and check it out really quick. Sadly, Kirkland is maybe too nice and had only one seedy looking bar, The Central. It would fit in perfect on the Kodiak mall.
Back to Southcenter to the Volvo dealer to look at the new C30. The dealer has a couple and I climb all over the one in the show room, quizzing the shark on answers I already knew to see if he did as well. He did but 30K for a hatchback is a lot of cheese. I predict you’ll see a lot of spoiled high school chicks on the east side driving these things soon. In the end I found myself more interested in the convertible next to it.
I walk over to Circuit City next door just for the hell of it. Why is Best Buy so much more popular when they are hardly any different? And why do I go to electronic stores all the time when I know I’m not going to buy anything?
On my way back to the rig I noticed there is a Castle Megastore behind the Volvo dealer. I’d never been in one. Now I have. Imagine Cinderella’s Cellar the size of Mack’s. I conclude the store is better suited for women and Larry Craig.
As I get near the Jeep I notice a HOT looking sports car not too far away but it is dark so I walk over for a closer look and it turns out to be an Audi RS8. Holy!
I get back to the house and Mrs. Jason offers me some Tattertot Casserole, the RS8 of comfort food. I have seconds. Then I go my way to Skyway to get Jerm his wheels back. Mrs. Jerm gives him a hall pass and we go downtown to Jillian’s (owned by Gary Payton I believe). It is a Chuck E Cheese for adults (Newcastle Brown Ale) and I had a Crown bag of tokens to burn Cy gave me a couple months ago. It didn’t take long for us to find one of those basketball shooting games and it is immediately added to the BAR WARS circuit. We shot so many baskets I felt like I just picked 500 salmon out a gillnet. I had one good game but as usual Chef Boy kicked my arse. After a couple games of AREA 51 pistol video bloodbath we head for Ballard.
Ballard is cool and in all my years down there it’s the place I go the least so this was a treat. Jeremy had some inside info on a spot called King’s. What if I told you they had pounder cans of Rainier? No, what if I told you they had pounder cans of Rainier for $2? Now hold it right there. Now, now what if I told you they had $2 pounder cans of Rainier AND SKEE BALL! Nine balls for a quarter, baby. Skee Ball is like micro lawn bowling for drunks. Skee Ball kicks ass. We battle. I lose. But how can you lose with $2 pounder cans of Rainier? FYI: if you want to get a taste of real stereotypical Seattle types, this place and Stellar Pizza are it. I love it.
We backtrack toward downtown with a stop in Fremont. The Red Door. I’ve never seen an unattractive female in this place. Not in 1994. Not in 2007 (Rainer on tap). There was some kind of snow bunny ski season starting party but I though Hefner was having a recruiting session to reload the mansion.
After Jerm finishes his melted turkeywich we hit The Taproom, next to the FOX Sports Grill downtown. Are you sitting down? They have 160 beers on tap. 160. Not a typo. 160. 160 beers on tap. It takes longer to choose a brew than down it. I end up getting a Carlsberg, the Budweiser of England. Drawback- the bartender wasn’t very fun, she needed her meds or some sunshine or something from the Castle Megastore in a gel.
Zzzzzzzz.
Thursday, November 15th, 2007
The battery on the Honda is dead but no matter, I want to figure out the best bus method from Renton the Pioneer Square. It turns out to be the 101. I get off two blocks from Qwest Field for one of the few planned activities of the week, Fish Expo (or whatever they call it now).
It has been many moons since I attended the commercial fishing trade show. Although I’m pretty far removed from the biz these days I’m a Kodiak boy so therefore I’m interested. I guess I’ll spend two hours there and end up making it five.
The coolest visual there was the first thing I came across; a shallow pool full of RC tug boats. Playing the role I’m wearing my Fishermen’s Bar hoodie and immediately an old timer from Naknek spots it and starts talking my ear off.
Hey, its Jeff from Wells Fargo. And Steve Horn. Kodiakians were rarer sights than expected but it was the first day of the program.
I fill a bag full of information pamphlets for all kinds of things I’ll never need: totes, ice makers, infra red scopes, aluminum soundproofing, casters, etc.
These products caught my eye:
Stormline raingear from New Zealand. Popular with European fishermen, very tough, well thought out features.
Syrens Onboard WiFi. Internet for the boat. I know three mofos who could draft their fantasy football teams while at sea with this. I’d still beat them.
Kooltek refrigerated trailers. The display model held 5000 pounds.
SARfinder. Man overboard beacons.
Purofort boots by Dunlop. Giving XtraTuf a run for their money.
There was a guy selling a product that is ten times better than RainX but I lost the papers. Looked good for Kodiak cars.
At the Dexter-Russell booth I spotted a Great White knife, one I keep on my life jacket when I go kayaking and by far one of my favorite tools. The guy was so impressed by my love for the blade that he gave me one. They are like nine bucks, best thing I ever got at a trade show booth EVER! I scored an anti-Pebble Mine pennant from the AIFMA group too. The Alaska Airlines people laminated my business card for my luggage and if you have seen my JOTR card......nevermind. The dude really looked nervous laminating it, as if he was about to be fired for even touching it. Poor boy.
One more. Check out www.historicfishing.net and tell yer friends. Kodiak could really hook this up. I found a few boats my dad had worked on using the search mode.
Jen was the hottest chick at a booth manning the Alaska Sea Grant booth. It wasn’t exactly a SEMA show.
Since the show is at the exhibition hall at Qwest Field you get the same outrageous prices for food and drink so I scampered down Occidential to the New Orleans for jambalaya, corn fritters, and Mirror Pond (1). They were on the thin line between lunch and dinner prices but since the lady behind the bar remembered me from October she gave me the lunch price, a difference of five bucks!
After a little more of REAL ComFish I went back to Pioneer x Pioneer to the J&M happy hour. All taps $2 til 9pm, it was amazing I ever left but I wanted to watch the Oregon-Arizona game somewhere more comfortable. By comfortable I mean somewhere with human females. That turned out to be the FOX Sports Grill and their $6.75 20oz Guinness. CK-1’s lover boy blew his knee and the game lost interest quick so I ventured out in search of something new. That turned out to be Mexica atop the Pacific Place (Stella x 2). Mmmmmmm..chicas. I sat at the bar and end up talking to a guy named James who worked construction. He had string ties to Dutch Harbor and fishing when he was younger and told some sea stories, talked about his recent break up and how she took his ranch, and the failing state of America. A real person.
James’ party finally showed up for seafood at Todai and I made my way to the Wasabi Bistro (Stella x 2) to meet Jerm who was going to give me a ride back to Renton. There I chatted with a nice girl named Michelle who was moving to LA soon so I had to scold her thoroughly. One of the head sushi chefs named Ed knew Jerm and gave us a sample of his work. I’ve seen some of his work, the man is a true artist with rolled rice and seaweed.
Before I know it I’m back at the house with a triple stack Wendy’s cheeseburger. I WANT A BIG JUICY BURGER!
Friday, November 16th, 2007
I always get lost in the east side of Renton below the hills so I ride my bike to find Frys and figure out how I always get turned around. Yes, Frys is another electronics store and I by nothing.. I go to the Target across the street and get a few things including a wool blend hat that does not have a Seahawks logo on it, a first.
I end up having a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of clam chowder at Love’s Landing. Lame meal for a lame day.
5pm: I’ll take a nap.
8pm: Where am I? I hate naps. They are so disorienting and I don’t feel refreshed.
Jason and Leah want to go out and I join them. We go down the hill to Toreno’s and get some appetizers. Beered out I go to the bullpen and call Crown and Seven to take over Friday night. Toreno’s is full of ladies and bad singers on the karaoke. The nachos hit the spot. Just as I’m starting to settle in we get a call from Leah’s sister, Not Leah. Not Leah is downtown at one of those bars I usually don’t feel comfortable in due to the high toxic levels pretentiousness but Crown and Seven is pitching shutout ball. Go for it.
Street parking downtown at 9pm is near impossible but we get a slot only two blocks away. We are headed to Viceroy.
Not Leah and her friend were near the front door and have a spot saved. The DJ is decent. This might not be so bad.
And it wasn’t. Rich jackholes were minimal. However I was talking to one girl and a guy offered he some cane and she disappeared like Scotty sucked her up with the transporter. That was my Mecca moment but homesickness did not set in. Quite the opposite. What the hell have I been missing by staying in Alaska so long? The grass looks green tonight.
Can you say Jack In The Box at 3am? I knew you could.
Saturday, November 17th, 2007
Toreno ass explosions rock quiet south Seattle suburb. News at eleven..
Everyone is gone from the house and I end up calling in to JOTR at 1:30pm from the living room, pacing around on my cell. Pfeffer is back from the dead. Amazing. One Nebraska comment and I’m hanging up. Not my phone, myself from a tree.
Although the Honda is running again I see another night of boozahol in my future and take the 101 instead. My plan is to have dinner with someone and then catch a concert. GWAR. Yes, The Scumdogs of the Universe live at the Showbox in Sodo (same place I took the laminated business card pic). I’ve wanted to see these guys for years and despite being 36 I’m determined to fulfill this promise to myself. I first discovered GWAR in Bristol Bay on a Christian TV show about the ten most evil rock groups you should never let yer childrens hear. Guess who was numero uno on that list with their video Maggots playing? Bought the album as soon as I got back to Kodiak. Urination, decapitation, necrophilia, GWAR has always been an inspiration.
Sold out. No more tickets. I don’t care if I’m 40, I will see GWAR perform in the flesh someday.
But before I go to dinner I make a side trip along the way to the Science Fiction Museum at the EMP. It cost $15.00 and I was told it takes about two hours to see it all. I only had one hour until they closed.
I only needed 20 minutes. Not that it wasn't good, it just wasn't that big. The display of laser guns from various TV shows and movies was my favorite and some of the video displays were impressive but overall I wasn't blown away. Maybe my jock side balances my inner nerd perfectly.
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
I wake up under the Space Needle with a black lab licking my feet and the stench of bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers in the air. Best. Night. Ever. And there is no gold membership so forget about it.
I find a bus going Qwestard and end up in Cowgirls Inc. but leave after a few minutes in search of food. Ironically I end up at the Showbox in Sodo for the pre-game breakfast buffet. $8.75 all-Nick-can-eat biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, and potatoes with Carson Palmer on a 150” screen. WHO’S YER MAMA IN DAT ENDZONE! Touchdown Sandinistas.
An hour later the Fan Van arrives complete with Capt. Nick’s uniform. One problem. Capt. Nick is too fat to get his Capt pants on. After literally five minutes of exhaling and bending over I’m able to latch my fly up. Lindsay, help me!
Four Canadian Seahawk fans stop by and hand me a PBR in exchange for a picture of the van with Capt. Nick next to it raising a cold one. I feel like Goofy at Disneyworld. Goofy with a Pabst. This happens at least once every week Capt. Nick shows up. Yet as fun as it can be, wearing a completely white outfit to a football game is a pain and word on the street Capt. Nick may be decommissioned after the season. Really.
With the exhibition center still full of fish booths there is no Touchdown City and they have to march everyone coming from the south thru the main gates but it didn’t cause the slowdown I expected.
I can feel my team. I knw when the will win or lose by the feeling in the air and on this day I’m pretty positive we’ll take Chicago, even after they take a 10 point lead. At halftime it is 17-17 and I walk over a five sections to find Ian O. aka The Eliminator, who on this day happens to be my opponent in fantasy football. His brother Boyd called to update him and my Sandinistas are crushing him. GLORIOUS!
Seattle takes over and finishes of the Bears 30-23 and we head back to Renton in heavy traffic. Burgers and drinks at Touchdowns with the Pats on the 1080 humiliating Buffalo. I’m actually not that upset they swapped our game time with New England or I’d probably have to go to rehab after the game.
The evening ends watching the American Music Awards on the couch with the fam. Who are these people? The whole music scene seems so childish now but I’m sure it has always been that way. I hate it when they call themselves “artists” yet refer to “the industry”. Those are completely opposite things. I’m not making my point very well, maybe some other time.
Monday, November 19th, 2007
Mrs. Jerm gives me a ride to the airport since he’s neck deep in grilled sandwiches at the café. It is Babe Day at Sea-Tac. Wonderful! I’m actually jealous of TSA for once. I get some teriyaki beef from Waji’s in the C-gate area and it is really good. I need ice for my neck, all the double takes are adding up.
I take my time waiting to board the plane and when I do there are people backed up half way up the jet way. Is it that hard to sit the f-word down and get out of the aisle? The women behind me proposes the elimination of carry-ons. Hold on sister, let’s not get carried away. I think they should board everyone row by row. 32. 31.30. 29. Every 30 seconds let a new row on. The half-the-plane-at-once stampede doesn’t work.
I sat by a nice elderly couple who had lived in The Great Land but now spend winters in the Zona. Their son was promoted to lieutenant colonel and were going up for the ceremony. They asked me how Sudoku works and I showed them how to play although someone had already done the puzzle in their copy of the in-flight magazine. Why are their so many ads for condos in the Alaska Airlines magazine. One or two in Portland, a couple in Vancouver BC, and a bunch in Seattle. I wonder if they take trade-ins, my Alderwood Penthouse for one in Belltown, perhaps? Nyet.
“You think this story’s over but its ready to begin….” - Beastie Boys.
Almost home, just a few hours layover in Anchorage. I get in at 3pm and my Era flight is at 6:30pm. For some reason the 4pm jet is not listed on the departures board and when I realize I might be able to get across earlier it is already too late. Damnit. So I sit at the bar at the end of the concourse (24oz Miller Lite x 2) with a Hells Angel looking guy in a wheelchair who gets wasted and angry watching Vince Young unable to move down field. Brandon Stokley sighting. Bet he wishes he stayed in Indy. Halftime means Gate L1 is calling. I assume the L stands for LOWER and not LOSER although looking at the people waiting to go to Kenai you could think the latter.
The plane doesn’t get up until 7pm and the weather report isn’t favorable. 35mph is the fine line so whenever you here 40 you can forget about. Hey, who said 40?
I took a seat on the right side of the plane so I could see town as we approach and there it is. Call Linda Freed, there are a hell of a lot of potholes above Woody Island, WTF! Then I can see….the runway? Something isn’t right. They are going to attempt to land on the crossing runway going from Bells Flats towards town. The aircraft does some s#!t like the Hurricane at Crab Fest and we get about ten feet above the asphalt when the turboprop veers to the right sharply, shakes, some lady screams, and then starts back into the clouds. The landing gear goes up, back down, then up again and I know my ass has another hour in that hard seat. Miss Carrie in a few rows in front of me and yells out “We need alcohol!”. All we get are Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, coffee, tea, or a spanking.
Thankfully The Shwannie is at home in Anchorage and is able to pick me up. Mr. And Mrs. Capt Ron are over there for Turkey Day as well as Capt. AJ who I meet up with at Outback. Prince Paul is also there and instantly I know I’m going from Flight 8794 to 4143. YES! One minute you are almost splattered on the Coast Guard base, the next you eating fat Auzzie style pork chops, drinking Molson Canadian at the Peanut Farm and then forking over dollar bills to Mary Jane who has a knack for not wearing anything. Best back-to-back Mondays ever.
I never really dwell on the fact I could have been in a major plane disaster. Jason asked if I had a will the day before I left which I find kind of strange now. But what can you do? When it is yer time, it is yer time.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
Home.
Saturday, November 10th, 2007
After Jock of the Rock featuring The Clarkston and a high school athlete it was time to make skyward and return to my adopted city of Seattle. When I check into my flight I spy Amanda from the Baywatch cannery who doesn’t recognize a clean shaved Nick.
Packer Penny is on the plane and turns out she tunes in to JOTR , thus making her Listener #25. I’m almost at the point I can quit counting. Once again my bag barely makes it at 48.6 pounds. I have a Crown felt bag full of pennies, nickels, and dimes in my carry on that feels like it weighs more than my checked bag. In fact I worry TSA will consider it a weapon and take my change.
On board Era I pull a Bob Uecker and take seat 1B next to everybody’s favorite bartender brat, Miss Danielle. Somewhere over the Barren Islands I convince the ladies in 1C and 1D that Tony’s Most Wanted is my daughter. Seeing yer bartender in the light of day is kind of like being a school kid and seeing yer teacher at the grocery store. Her massive Michael Strahan shoulder are pushing me into the aisle. Not really.
The flight attendant is another Ukrainian accented chick. I swear Era gets all their stewardesses from a Russian mail-order bride catalog. She has on some funky black boots with an odd metal buckle on the side that looks functional but has no really use except to make me stare at it in wonder. It makes her look like a German dominatrix or character from The Matrix…from the knee down. “We have coffee, tea, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, or spankings.”
Once on the ground I try calling Antwaan Randy El but to no avail. I decide to pass on the $15 cab to 621 International Airport Road and purchase CAR AND DRIVER for my next jet ride.
If there was one thing I learned on my October trip is that I’m never going to meet Ms. Right on the Rock and that this time is precious. The six year denial about dating in Kodiak has finally evaporated. For a change of pace I’ve actually made an effort and dressed far better than normal for the trip. I recall having to wear a tie on sports trips in Kodiak and how I always admired the Miami Hurricanes showing up to a bowl game decked out in green camo. I figure I only have a week or so to meet a decent women so I better use every weapon at my disposal, including what I commonly call “skyscraper attire.”. You would probably call it “professional” but I use that word when I see boots like those on the flight attendant. And isn’t the pilot the one attending to the flight, shouldn’t they really be called passenger attendants?
The ride in uneventful and I get in about midnight. Page. Two.
Sunday, November 11th, 2007
Jerm and I hit The Hurricane Café downtown which is legendary in our mid-nineties days, the standard stop after the clubs. Sometimes we were the only non-tattooed/pierced/emo before emo was cool people in there. And they still have my dish, The Typhoon: basically Denver omelet innards minus the egg on a heap of hash browns with sour cream and cheap salsa. Back in the day you got free hash browns if you ate the whole thing. Back in the day.
There are two amazingly slutty looking girls sitting at the counter. It is good to be back.
That morning I watch the Redskins-Eagles game on FOX before biking downtown with my fat bag of change for the Coinstar machine at Safeway in Renton. I dump the purple pouch into the mix and walk away with $46.47. I still can not believe the Safeway in Kodiak doesn’t have on of these things. C’mon Terry!
I take my cash to the Cedar River Smokehouse (304 Wells Ave. S.) for lunch and enjoy a pulled pork sandwich and I swear the best baked beans I’ve ever had.
There is a beautiful young woman in a camo tee (very Seattle, kind of she-tundrasexual) in the checkout line behind me. I don’t even think much about the fact it is Veteran’s Day. 11/11 has always been Bubba’s birthday to me (Murray, not Clinton). I always picture homeless people when I hear the word ‘vet”. Why is that?
Since the Seahawks play Monday night it is kind of unusual to be free on a Sunday afternoon. Almost like a second bye week. I return to Safeway and get a Lotto ticket. The Million Dollar Raffle promotion is sold out. Damnit. Then I get harassed by some jackhole street hustler outside the store on my way back to my bike. That kind of crap just doesn’t happen in Kodiak.
That evening I eat pizza with Mr. And Mrs. Jason and his parents Bobbo and Linda. We watch San Diego upset the Colts. Don’t rename this Slowdown in Seattle just yet.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Game Day? Game Night! Jason and I hit my fav buffet at The Golden Indian Curry Hizzie (imported Indian beer, name forgotten) and I introduce him the wonder that is Tandoori Chicken. He doesn’t seem impressed. After lunch we hit a sports bar called The Spot (Crown and Seven x 3) for some darts. Kenny joins us later and he and I face off in an epic Cricket battle that consumes half the quarters in the mint to finish. I stand before you victorious.
We grab an 18 pack at the corner store and load up the Fan Van for downtown. Bobby and Jerm jump in, the golden era of hip hop CD starts, and off we go. The forecast was for winds close to 60mph so I keep Capt. Nick at home and go as myself.
Drew Carey raises the 12th Man flag and I raise both my thumbs pointed downward. How dare they let a Cleveland fan come in our house and fly our colors as if he was one of us. Shouldn’t he be in jail for eating Bob Barker? It turns out the funnyman is the new part-owner of the new MLS franchise that will be playing at Qwest in 2009. I plan to purchase my seat for the as yet unnamed team so no soccer fan ever disgraces it with their soccer ass. I propose they name the team the Seattle Sasquatches so they can keep the Sonics mascot when they go to BF-OK. Big Foot is a natural for a northwest team name if you ask me. Plus, like pro soccer, no one has actually seen one.
The Seahawks crush San Fran 24-0 in a laugher. On my way to Swannie’s (not to be confused with The Shwannie) I run into the ex of one of the guys we sit with which is odd but not really. She asks how everyone is except for the ex of course. Blah blah blah. Finally make it to the bar (Redhook ESB) and cross over to 88 Keys (Windermere Hefe). The dude tending is Alaskan and tells me he played in the Joe Floyd tourney for Monroe around 1998. There are cuties everywhere and when a hot girl sports a Deion Branch jersey you feel yer heart go pitter patter pitter patter. You can hate on the 51 other Mondays, leave this one alone.
Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
Jerm was kind enough to loan my his Jeep and I went downtown to meet up with the one I call Wendi Bell for coffee (OK, you know I don’t drink coffee, I had tea). She had a few hours in Seatown and for once we actually got to hang out for bit. Believe me, this is rare. Wendy has magical powers that made me go into Nordstrom’s with her and her youngest to look at overpriced handbags and scarfs. Lucky for me they have huge aquariums for small children and males to entertain themselves with. I liked the snail fish. Fascinating. After 90 minutes they had to leave and we said goodbye.
Since I was already downtown I decide to see what movies are placing at Pacific Place and as fate would have it they were showing the limited release of Star Trek: TOS- “The Menagerie” in ten minutes so I raced upstairs expected the show to be sold out and the place flooded with geeks. I knew a month ago they were only going to show this at about three places in Seattle and for only two nights, this being the first showing so I was surprised the place was only half full. Also amazing was nobody was decked out in uniforms and costumes as I’ve seen at premiers before (I’ve been to two believe it or not, I’m the Spock of the Rock). There were no hot chicks in the theater I might add. And they charged $12.50 to see it. Bloody hell.
They start out with Roddenberry Jr. talking forever about his pops, the early days, and explaining how they HDed the show. “The Menagerie” was the only two-part episode they did in the original series and it first aired November 17th and 24th, 1966. I don’t recall seeing it as a rerun by recognized the alien biatches with the big heads. Capt. Pike is in the house! The CGI FX were an improvement but didn’t look as good as those on the most recent run of Enterprise.Taco Bell. Sleep.
Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
Jerm tells me to hold on to the SUV longer so I roll to Southcenter for a Zoopa lunch. . They don’t have the green beans today that they had last month. Damnit. The Tomato Basil soup gets my top honor of the visit and yes, I tried everything.
Hit the Goodwill down the street. Get some pants. God I’m cheap.
Having the half-a-Hummer Grand Cherokee I feel a tad safer to take the 405 and zip over to Kirkland, maybe the nicest town in the Sound. This is where the present Seahawks HQ is as well. Kirkland makes Bellevue look ghetto in my opinion but I’m biased. Anywho, I’m on a mission to find the Green Car. Co. and check out a new lil NEV called the Kurrent. I go by the ball field in the center of town which always recalls memories of the 1982 Little League World Champs who barely squeaked by Kodiak in All Stars that year.
After getting a tad lost I locate the shop and I’m told they had a bunch but sold them all in two weeks. However the girl in the office was kind enough to take me in the warehouse where they had not one but three brand new Vectrix electric motorcycles. They are one of the few places on the west coast that can get them and the price is still $11,500. Since I don’t have a license (and if I did it was pouring with rain) I didn’t get to take a spin on one but they look f-wording cool however I’d like to see one in blue as the colors where kinda bland.
Since I was already there I decide to walk around downtown and check it out really quick. Sadly, Kirkland is maybe too nice and had only one seedy looking bar, The Central. It would fit in perfect on the Kodiak mall.
Back to Southcenter to the Volvo dealer to look at the new C30. The dealer has a couple and I climb all over the one in the show room, quizzing the shark on answers I already knew to see if he did as well. He did but 30K for a hatchback is a lot of cheese. I predict you’ll see a lot of spoiled high school chicks on the east side driving these things soon. In the end I found myself more interested in the convertible next to it.
I walk over to Circuit City next door just for the hell of it. Why is Best Buy so much more popular when they are hardly any different? And why do I go to electronic stores all the time when I know I’m not going to buy anything?
On my way back to the rig I noticed there is a Castle Megastore behind the Volvo dealer. I’d never been in one. Now I have. Imagine Cinderella’s Cellar the size of Mack’s. I conclude the store is better suited for women and Larry Craig.
As I get near the Jeep I notice a HOT looking sports car not too far away but it is dark so I walk over for a closer look and it turns out to be an Audi RS8. Holy!
I get back to the house and Mrs. Jason offers me some Tattertot Casserole, the RS8 of comfort food. I have seconds. Then I go my way to Skyway to get Jerm his wheels back. Mrs. Jerm gives him a hall pass and we go downtown to Jillian’s (owned by Gary Payton I believe). It is a Chuck E Cheese for adults (Newcastle Brown Ale) and I had a Crown bag of tokens to burn Cy gave me a couple months ago. It didn’t take long for us to find one of those basketball shooting games and it is immediately added to the BAR WARS circuit. We shot so many baskets I felt like I just picked 500 salmon out a gillnet. I had one good game but as usual Chef Boy kicked my arse. After a couple games of AREA 51 pistol video bloodbath we head for Ballard.
Ballard is cool and in all my years down there it’s the place I go the least so this was a treat. Jeremy had some inside info on a spot called King’s. What if I told you they had pounder cans of Rainier? No, what if I told you they had pounder cans of Rainier for $2? Now hold it right there. Now, now what if I told you they had $2 pounder cans of Rainier AND SKEE BALL! Nine balls for a quarter, baby. Skee Ball is like micro lawn bowling for drunks. Skee Ball kicks ass. We battle. I lose. But how can you lose with $2 pounder cans of Rainier? FYI: if you want to get a taste of real stereotypical Seattle types, this place and Stellar Pizza are it. I love it.
We backtrack toward downtown with a stop in Fremont. The Red Door. I’ve never seen an unattractive female in this place. Not in 1994. Not in 2007 (Rainer on tap). There was some kind of snow bunny ski season starting party but I though Hefner was having a recruiting session to reload the mansion.
After Jerm finishes his melted turkeywich we hit The Taproom, next to the FOX Sports Grill downtown. Are you sitting down? They have 160 beers on tap. 160. Not a typo. 160. 160 beers on tap. It takes longer to choose a brew than down it. I end up getting a Carlsberg, the Budweiser of England. Drawback- the bartender wasn’t very fun, she needed her meds or some sunshine or something from the Castle Megastore in a gel.
Zzzzzzzz.
Thursday, November 15th, 2007
The battery on the Honda is dead but no matter, I want to figure out the best bus method from Renton the Pioneer Square. It turns out to be the 101. I get off two blocks from Qwest Field for one of the few planned activities of the week, Fish Expo (or whatever they call it now).
It has been many moons since I attended the commercial fishing trade show. Although I’m pretty far removed from the biz these days I’m a Kodiak boy so therefore I’m interested. I guess I’ll spend two hours there and end up making it five.
The coolest visual there was the first thing I came across; a shallow pool full of RC tug boats. Playing the role I’m wearing my Fishermen’s Bar hoodie and immediately an old timer from Naknek spots it and starts talking my ear off.
Hey, its Jeff from Wells Fargo. And Steve Horn. Kodiakians were rarer sights than expected but it was the first day of the program.
I fill a bag full of information pamphlets for all kinds of things I’ll never need: totes, ice makers, infra red scopes, aluminum soundproofing, casters, etc.
These products caught my eye:
Stormline raingear from New Zealand. Popular with European fishermen, very tough, well thought out features.
Syrens Onboard WiFi. Internet for the boat. I know three mofos who could draft their fantasy football teams while at sea with this. I’d still beat them.
Kooltek refrigerated trailers. The display model held 5000 pounds.
SARfinder. Man overboard beacons.
Purofort boots by Dunlop. Giving XtraTuf a run for their money.
There was a guy selling a product that is ten times better than RainX but I lost the papers. Looked good for Kodiak cars.
At the Dexter-Russell booth I spotted a Great White knife, one I keep on my life jacket when I go kayaking and by far one of my favorite tools. The guy was so impressed by my love for the blade that he gave me one. They are like nine bucks, best thing I ever got at a trade show booth EVER! I scored an anti-Pebble Mine pennant from the AIFMA group too. The Alaska Airlines people laminated my business card for my luggage and if you have seen my JOTR card......nevermind. The dude really looked nervous laminating it, as if he was about to be fired for even touching it. Poor boy.
One more. Check out www.historicfishing.net and tell yer friends. Kodiak could really hook this up. I found a few boats my dad had worked on using the search mode.
Jen was the hottest chick at a booth manning the Alaska Sea Grant booth. It wasn’t exactly a SEMA show.
Since the show is at the exhibition hall at Qwest Field you get the same outrageous prices for food and drink so I scampered down Occidential to the New Orleans for jambalaya, corn fritters, and Mirror Pond (1). They were on the thin line between lunch and dinner prices but since the lady behind the bar remembered me from October she gave me the lunch price, a difference of five bucks!
After a little more of REAL ComFish I went back to Pioneer x Pioneer to the J&M happy hour. All taps $2 til 9pm, it was amazing I ever left but I wanted to watch the Oregon-Arizona game somewhere more comfortable. By comfortable I mean somewhere with human females. That turned out to be the FOX Sports Grill and their $6.75 20oz Guinness. CK-1’s lover boy blew his knee and the game lost interest quick so I ventured out in search of something new. That turned out to be Mexica atop the Pacific Place (Stella x 2). Mmmmmmm..chicas. I sat at the bar and end up talking to a guy named James who worked construction. He had string ties to Dutch Harbor and fishing when he was younger and told some sea stories, talked about his recent break up and how she took his ranch, and the failing state of America. A real person.
James’ party finally showed up for seafood at Todai and I made my way to the Wasabi Bistro (Stella x 2) to meet Jerm who was going to give me a ride back to Renton. There I chatted with a nice girl named Michelle who was moving to LA soon so I had to scold her thoroughly. One of the head sushi chefs named Ed knew Jerm and gave us a sample of his work. I’ve seen some of his work, the man is a true artist with rolled rice and seaweed.
Before I know it I’m back at the house with a triple stack Wendy’s cheeseburger. I WANT A BIG JUICY BURGER!
Friday, November 16th, 2007
I always get lost in the east side of Renton below the hills so I ride my bike to find Frys and figure out how I always get turned around. Yes, Frys is another electronics store and I by nothing.. I go to the Target across the street and get a few things including a wool blend hat that does not have a Seahawks logo on it, a first.
I end up having a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of clam chowder at Love’s Landing. Lame meal for a lame day.
5pm: I’ll take a nap.
8pm: Where am I? I hate naps. They are so disorienting and I don’t feel refreshed.
Jason and Leah want to go out and I join them. We go down the hill to Toreno’s and get some appetizers. Beered out I go to the bullpen and call Crown and Seven to take over Friday night. Toreno’s is full of ladies and bad singers on the karaoke. The nachos hit the spot. Just as I’m starting to settle in we get a call from Leah’s sister, Not Leah. Not Leah is downtown at one of those bars I usually don’t feel comfortable in due to the high toxic levels pretentiousness but Crown and Seven is pitching shutout ball. Go for it.
Street parking downtown at 9pm is near impossible but we get a slot only two blocks away. We are headed to Viceroy.
Not Leah and her friend were near the front door and have a spot saved. The DJ is decent. This might not be so bad.
And it wasn’t. Rich jackholes were minimal. However I was talking to one girl and a guy offered he some cane and she disappeared like Scotty sucked her up with the transporter. That was my Mecca moment but homesickness did not set in. Quite the opposite. What the hell have I been missing by staying in Alaska so long? The grass looks green tonight.
Can you say Jack In The Box at 3am? I knew you could.
Saturday, November 17th, 2007
Toreno ass explosions rock quiet south Seattle suburb. News at eleven..
Everyone is gone from the house and I end up calling in to JOTR at 1:30pm from the living room, pacing around on my cell. Pfeffer is back from the dead. Amazing. One Nebraska comment and I’m hanging up. Not my phone, myself from a tree.
Although the Honda is running again I see another night of boozahol in my future and take the 101 instead. My plan is to have dinner with someone and then catch a concert. GWAR. Yes, The Scumdogs of the Universe live at the Showbox in Sodo (same place I took the laminated business card pic). I’ve wanted to see these guys for years and despite being 36 I’m determined to fulfill this promise to myself. I first discovered GWAR in Bristol Bay on a Christian TV show about the ten most evil rock groups you should never let yer childrens hear. Guess who was numero uno on that list with their video Maggots playing? Bought the album as soon as I got back to Kodiak. Urination, decapitation, necrophilia, GWAR has always been an inspiration.
Sold out. No more tickets. I don’t care if I’m 40, I will see GWAR perform in the flesh someday.
But before I go to dinner I make a side trip along the way to the Science Fiction Museum at the EMP. It cost $15.00 and I was told it takes about two hours to see it all. I only had one hour until they closed.
I only needed 20 minutes. Not that it wasn't good, it just wasn't that big. The display of laser guns from various TV shows and movies was my favorite and some of the video displays were impressive but overall I wasn't blown away. Maybe my jock side balances my inner nerd perfectly.
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
I wake up under the Space Needle with a black lab licking my feet and the stench of bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers in the air. Best. Night. Ever. And there is no gold membership so forget about it.
I find a bus going Qwestard and end up in Cowgirls Inc. but leave after a few minutes in search of food. Ironically I end up at the Showbox in Sodo for the pre-game breakfast buffet. $8.75 all-Nick-can-eat biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, and potatoes with Carson Palmer on a 150” screen. WHO’S YER MAMA IN DAT ENDZONE! Touchdown Sandinistas.
An hour later the Fan Van arrives complete with Capt. Nick’s uniform. One problem. Capt. Nick is too fat to get his Capt pants on. After literally five minutes of exhaling and bending over I’m able to latch my fly up. Lindsay, help me!
Four Canadian Seahawk fans stop by and hand me a PBR in exchange for a picture of the van with Capt. Nick next to it raising a cold one. I feel like Goofy at Disneyworld. Goofy with a Pabst. This happens at least once every week Capt. Nick shows up. Yet as fun as it can be, wearing a completely white outfit to a football game is a pain and word on the street Capt. Nick may be decommissioned after the season. Really.
With the exhibition center still full of fish booths there is no Touchdown City and they have to march everyone coming from the south thru the main gates but it didn’t cause the slowdown I expected.
I can feel my team. I knw when the will win or lose by the feeling in the air and on this day I’m pretty positive we’ll take Chicago, even after they take a 10 point lead. At halftime it is 17-17 and I walk over a five sections to find Ian O. aka The Eliminator, who on this day happens to be my opponent in fantasy football. His brother Boyd called to update him and my Sandinistas are crushing him. GLORIOUS!
Seattle takes over and finishes of the Bears 30-23 and we head back to Renton in heavy traffic. Burgers and drinks at Touchdowns with the Pats on the 1080 humiliating Buffalo. I’m actually not that upset they swapped our game time with New England or I’d probably have to go to rehab after the game.
The evening ends watching the American Music Awards on the couch with the fam. Who are these people? The whole music scene seems so childish now but I’m sure it has always been that way. I hate it when they call themselves “artists” yet refer to “the industry”. Those are completely opposite things. I’m not making my point very well, maybe some other time.
Monday, November 19th, 2007
Mrs. Jerm gives me a ride to the airport since he’s neck deep in grilled sandwiches at the café. It is Babe Day at Sea-Tac. Wonderful! I’m actually jealous of TSA for once. I get some teriyaki beef from Waji’s in the C-gate area and it is really good. I need ice for my neck, all the double takes are adding up.
I take my time waiting to board the plane and when I do there are people backed up half way up the jet way. Is it that hard to sit the f-word down and get out of the aisle? The women behind me proposes the elimination of carry-ons. Hold on sister, let’s not get carried away. I think they should board everyone row by row. 32. 31.30. 29. Every 30 seconds let a new row on. The half-the-plane-at-once stampede doesn’t work.
I sat by a nice elderly couple who had lived in The Great Land but now spend winters in the Zona. Their son was promoted to lieutenant colonel and were going up for the ceremony. They asked me how Sudoku works and I showed them how to play although someone had already done the puzzle in their copy of the in-flight magazine. Why are their so many ads for condos in the Alaska Airlines magazine. One or two in Portland, a couple in Vancouver BC, and a bunch in Seattle. I wonder if they take trade-ins, my Alderwood Penthouse for one in Belltown, perhaps? Nyet.
“You think this story’s over but its ready to begin….” - Beastie Boys.
Almost home, just a few hours layover in Anchorage. I get in at 3pm and my Era flight is at 6:30pm. For some reason the 4pm jet is not listed on the departures board and when I realize I might be able to get across earlier it is already too late. Damnit. So I sit at the bar at the end of the concourse (24oz Miller Lite x 2) with a Hells Angel looking guy in a wheelchair who gets wasted and angry watching Vince Young unable to move down field. Brandon Stokley sighting. Bet he wishes he stayed in Indy. Halftime means Gate L1 is calling. I assume the L stands for LOWER and not LOSER although looking at the people waiting to go to Kenai you could think the latter.
The plane doesn’t get up until 7pm and the weather report isn’t favorable. 35mph is the fine line so whenever you here 40 you can forget about. Hey, who said 40?
I took a seat on the right side of the plane so I could see town as we approach and there it is. Call Linda Freed, there are a hell of a lot of potholes above Woody Island, WTF! Then I can see….the runway? Something isn’t right. They are going to attempt to land on the crossing runway going from Bells Flats towards town. The aircraft does some s#!t like the Hurricane at Crab Fest and we get about ten feet above the asphalt when the turboprop veers to the right sharply, shakes, some lady screams, and then starts back into the clouds. The landing gear goes up, back down, then up again and I know my ass has another hour in that hard seat. Miss Carrie in a few rows in front of me and yells out “We need alcohol!”. All we get are Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, coffee, tea, or a spanking.
Thankfully The Shwannie is at home in Anchorage and is able to pick me up. Mr. And Mrs. Capt Ron are over there for Turkey Day as well as Capt. AJ who I meet up with at Outback. Prince Paul is also there and instantly I know I’m going from Flight 8794 to 4143. YES! One minute you are almost splattered on the Coast Guard base, the next you eating fat Auzzie style pork chops, drinking Molson Canadian at the Peanut Farm and then forking over dollar bills to Mary Jane who has a knack for not wearing anything. Best back-to-back Mondays ever.
I never really dwell on the fact I could have been in a major plane disaster. Jason asked if I had a will the day before I left which I find kind of strange now. But what can you do? When it is yer time, it is yer time.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
Home.
