I have to say I’m a big believer in being careful about what you wish for cuz you just might get it. Having said that, I’ve had a couple months to figure out how I want to do this sandinyerpantsimeanheart thing since I last brought it up and I have some answers now. After careful reconsideration of local talent, reviewing scouting reports, and evaluating Maslow factors I have determined that my best bet is to import and importing implies two things.
1. I’m not leaving Kodiak*.
2. Someone is going to have to not only really impress me but pack a bag one-way at some point as well.
* Sometimes I lie.
Both are no small potatoes and the latter has odds probably as poor as that which already exist but what the heck. As for number one, I have way too many positives here to give up at this time and I’m not willing to sacrifice those things yet to roll the dice for romantic opportunities southward. Maybe.
As I see it there are two vehicles at my disposal to find a human female who might best work out.
1. On-Line Dating Sites.
2. The Last Resort Mother Of All Methods A-Bomb of Attention Getting
Now I’ll admit that I’ve met women on websites, even paid money to use these sites, for the possibility of meeting someone special. For the record I have never paid money to “be” with a woman. By woman I mean hooker, prostitute, escort, or a pro. Not that I think it is immoral, just rather unsporting. Plus I’m cheap.
Of all the people I’ve crossed paths with utilizing wwwdotcom, only two got anywhere and perhaps it would be more accurate to say only one did.
1. Shells
2. Wendi Bell
Shells lived in Georgia and worked at a court house. I don’t think we talked on the phone until a couple months after talking on-line. In the end Team Jesus became my competition and I decided to take my ball and go home.
Years later after swearing off mixing cupid and the internet I got a recommendation from a local fisherman (who I won’t ID. Any nickname or clue would to easily give him away) recommended a site called single me.com . Really it wasn’t any different that the rest except for e-Harmony which I’d never fully tried because:
1. Price
2. The guy in the ads looks like my old dentist Dr. Farrar.
As I often do I made a profile but would place it outside of Alaska so as not to attract local busybodies and stay out of the grapevine. I wrote to about eight human females when I got a response that was able to complete this puzzle.
G_ S_ _ _ AW_ S
Or something like that. Connection. Big time.
It wasn’t long before we decided to talk on the phone. Our first phone call lasted seven and a half hours. The second was shorter, only about five hours. I probably got to know her as well as anyone I saw on a day-to-day basis despite the 1500 miles between us and after a couple months I said f-word it and bought a ticket to my adopted city. It wasn’t football season either.
I told her where to meet me at Sea-Tac at the Pyramid airport bar near the Alaska counter. I remember this as if it happened last month in Soberless in Seattle III. The first hug and any doubt about making the trip was gone. After dropping off my bags we went out on the town and as far as dates go it was bar none the best time I’ve ever had with a woman. I know sandinyerface sentences use “biggest/greatest/coolest EVER” a lot but this sincerely was. She had no problem with me watching the NFL draft the next day and we topped it all off by going to a Mariners game the following evening.The curve ball would come a few months later when she became ill. Not long to live kind of ill. I don’t like how this story ends except for that she did survive somehow and we are still in contact today. But I know even if things had gone differently I would have been reluctant to leave Kodiak which takes us full circle to
1. I’m not leaving Kodiak (wink).
2. Someone is going to have to not only really impress me but pack a bag one-way at some point as well.
So having established that there is another item that is important to make clear at Square One. I have no desire to have children. Actually, I do not want to create any children. It boils down to the fact there were 4 billion people on Earf when I was five and it will be close to 8 billion when I am 40. I’m not opposed to anyone with children already nor do I mind the possibility of adoption or foster parenting at some point. Maybe when I’m 40 and ready to grow the f-word up finally I’ll take on kids with or without a close-n-personal lady friend. If I make it to 40.
So women who are unable to have kids are a plus in my book. My dream girl would have her ovaries abducted by aliens and be as barren as the road between Naknek and King Salmon. In my logic these unknockable upable types would be the most desired women out there. Wars would start over them. The whole carry on the family name ego thing is so stupid. Of course I’ve never had my sperm count measured so there is the possibility if my gene pool is dried up the playing field levels out between the breed plenty and sterile few. It must be hard counting sperm, looking in a microscope all day with a counter in one hand clicking away. I wonder if that’s what Fish and Game salmon season workers do in the winter?
Since Hillary wants to bring it up I’ll say race isn’t much of a factor I guess. I tend to find Latino and A to the K Native girls most attractive. Pakistani chicks are up there too but rare in these here parts. After all these years in Kodiak I still haven’t dated a Philippino girl. I hear a lot of them don’t dig white guys but hey, I don’t either. Another friend suggested Russian mail order brides but they usually are dead by the time the box gets here.
Shallow $#!t:
I prefer short over tall.Any hair color but red. Curls always get my attention.
Believe it or not I like girls who no nothing about football. If fact I’d rather they dislike it a little bit. Didn’t see that coming, did ya?
My sister thinks I like the cheerleader type and I think that is true to a point in so far as I like lots of laughter but I can not handle dumb and/or undereducated (whatever that means).
I used to have a thing for business career types but upon further review I’ve lost it for them. Lawyers and law students are a fetish of mine but teachers and nurses are probably more my style. And strippers.
So what is The Last Resort Mother Of All Methods A-Bomb of Attention Getting?
This. Since the women are Americans usually they are still alive when the USPS puts the pink slip in yer box. But that might be a little too serious for me although I’m told I’m a media whore so it could be a good fit.
Oh yes, the money. When I proposed a plan of action before I said there would be a payout, a finders fee, to anyone who links me successfully to a female friend, co-worker, etc. This creates incentive for me to get-r-done myself to save giving out any prize money because…
1. I’m cheap.
2. See Reason One.
To make this serious my plan was to offer up my 2008 PFD. Really. That’s looking at around maybe two grand this year. However I’m cheap so I’m scaling it back. Terms and limits TBA. Not available in GA, NC, SC, FL, TN, TX, AR, AL, MS, WV, or KY. Suggestions on incentives, anyone?
OK, I’ve got my daily dose of self-humiliation checked off now. My February quota has now been filled.
