Say you aren’t down wit’ Team Jesus but you wanna party as hard as Amy Grant after two egg nogs this time of year. I feel yer pain but not really. Christmas for the Afterlifeless is actually pretty decent in Kodiak and here are some helpful tips for those who like their trees outside.Usually the Joe Floyd Basketball Tournament kicks off the holy-daze but for some reason it was a week early this year. You’d think this has personal significance to me since I played in two of them but it doesn’t. All I remember is getting beat in the final minute one game my senior year by a private religious school named after a phone company. We couldn’t even beat Greatland Cicely Institute. I’m about to go into my Reasons I Should Have Played City League Instead of Varsity rant….NO!!!!! Anywho, the three day tourney at Carolyn Square Garden is usually closer to XXXmas but the theory is it was so close they were afraid if teams got weathered in they’d miss being home for the holiday and that we’d kill and eat their squads after five days without mail service. Vicious lies I tell you.
So the next logical kickoff this year is (besides a company party) the 21st, which happens to fall on a Friday. This is known as the longest day of they year although I contend the last day of the NFL regular season on the 30th is more fitting of that title. I’m not Egyptian, I can’t tell the difference between daylight on the Solstice and three days before or after. Whateva. Believe it or not I’m not familiar with any local pagan parties for the 21st of this month but there used to be a hell of a bash for the longest day involving kayaks, Woody Island, and everclear. Never went. There are those who believe 12/21/12 is the end of civilization but since we live 1500 miles away from there I’m not too bothered so long as we have Taco Bell by then. What if we really did have only five years left? I’m guessing in four years the number one resolution for 2012 will be Sex With As Many People As Possible.
I’d like to propose kicking off the Season of Darkness Celebration. It was part of my mayoral platform, opposing the only recognizable accomplishment in the past 14 years by the present mayor. Instead of the parks department burning thousands of dollars lighting trees in front of The Medina, Hank’s, and The Villagio going for cheery cheery I’d go for some WWII air raid quality blackouts. At sundown everyone goes to candles. No streetlights, no illuminated business signs, no bulbs in the baffroom, none. Just darkness. Then we see if we can get our KEA bill back down to where it was six months ago. Plus it is an environmentally friendly plan. (Zoloft not included, see store for details, not available in all states, ask yer doctor if you are knocked up, nursing, or have liver damage from The Mecca, Henry’s and the Village). This plan has a low probability of public acceptance. Nick’s Pick: FIND A HOUSE PARTY OR HOST ONE, BITCHOLAS!
Eve of JC B-Day can be very difficult because most bars are closed. Nick’s Pick: BERNIE‘S. I know this from my dedicated streak to go out on the 24th that dates back to the late 90’s. Yeah, I’m a keeper. I’m not sure why they close bars on Almost Christmas when most bartenders I know aren’t exactly spiritual in the Red State sense of the word. The Chargers host Denver and that ain’t stopping them. In fact I’m surprised society has ditched Lil Baby Jesus on so many church-n-state fronts but still gives everyone the day off. Even I stop complaining at that point.
The 25th we all know as the birthday of perhaps the greatest moral figure in the history of the western world if not the entire universe, Rick Berman. Like many Americans I like to go to the movie on Christmas Day and will go to Rusty’s Reels of Steel regardless of what is playing. I highly recommend this but it begs the question; why can movie theaters operate on Christmas and bars somehow manage to stay closed? Nick’s Pick: THE ORPHEUM.
In the past the 26th has been easy. El Chi’s. I told Mrs. Bravo years ago to turn up the volume the day after everyone is forced/socially pressured to stay home and hang out with lame relatives. She responded with some kick arse parties ever since but alas the Home of the License Plate Burrito is no more (or is it?) and I’m not sure who will pick up the slack. Nick’s Pick: WHOEVER PICKS UP THE SLACK.
If you have been kickin’ it for a few days you should by now be in a groove and have the tolerance of an rhino in the Dublin Zoo or a reporter by now so it doesn’t really matter where you go. The college pukes are back for the break and keeping downtown afloat before the usual mall collapse from Jan. 2-March 16. This is yer last chance to see young, attractive human females until Crab Fest so use yer time wisely and get out.
Blah blah blah…the 31st. I have done it twice and not sure if/when I will again but if you have not there is Nick’s Golden Lock Guaranteed Winner Pick: EVERY BAR IN KODIAK IN ONE DAY.
I do not kid about such things. Until recently this would start at Road’s End but like Chicano’s they are no more so this changes the order slightly.
REQUIREDKalsin Bay Inn
The Rondy
Eagle’s Nest (or whatever they call the bar at Comfort Inn)
Bar at The Shelikof Lodge
Chartroom
2nd Floor (I know, it barely counts)
Hank’s
Anthony’s Bar and No Grill
The Villagio
Bernie’s/The Rainbow Room
The Bar That Is Little
The Bee
Kodiak Island Brewery (before 6pm)
NOT REQUIRED
The Mecca. Why? The boycott. BOYCOTT THE MECCA!
Golden Anchor. Why? 9/11
VFW/Elks/American Legion. Why? These are clubs and trash like you (me) may not be allowed.
Eugene’s/Pizza Hut/etc. Why? No physical bar although they do serve drinks. Diamond Jim’s. Why? Because it is gone, duh.
“Highliners”. Why? Not sure of their status. If they ARE open you better represent.
January 1st is an observed national day of sleeping ‘til 4pm. Show some respect for ‘Merica and stay in bed for crying out loud, you commie d-bag.
January 2nd. Nick’s Pick: KODIAK ATHLETIC CLUB. Buy a one year membership for six weeks.Good luck and good fishing. This is the Alaska Department of Mack and Game
