Listening to Unplugged last week a man (not sure if he was gentle) called in to complain about the cable box system with GCI. This reminded me I was had a Letter to the Wetsy in the Baranof Enquirer three years ago about the same thing although the issue is slightly different now. Step in the time machine (try to avoid Silik) as we join 2004 already in progress...
We endure commercial satellite launch sites turned into military weapon test facilities.
We endure private companies and corporations claiming all the crab in the sea.
We endure a cycle of rain-snow-ice-rain-slush-cats-dogs-rain-etc beyond understanding.
And now we have digital cable boxes.
Usually the word digital is associated with the latest technological marvel such as digital cameras, digital cell phones, etc but this time we’ve taken a step forward and two back. The cable gods have upset myself and many others to the point some of us are willing to throw a virgin in the nearest volcano to free our TV from this THING. When Leonardo DiCaprio was clinging to a piece of wood in the frozen Atlantic before dying due to overexposure to a Celine Dion song I thought the Titanic was never to be seen again until I had to place it next to my set. I call it my Kalakala Converter. Soon I won’t be able to use the hidden tuner already inside my set, I’ll be forced to rely on Mount General Instruments. Who came up with that company name? Is it supposed to trick us into believing it’s the love child of a General Electric/Texas Instruments affair and thus some hybrid techno marvel? And why does it have an anchor? Something like this digital TV tuner in the year 2004 should be the size of a cable modem and almost out of sight. There is no way that thing is worth $500.00 either, more than what a basic PC goes for these days, unless my theory about it doubling as a gas grill is correct. That little four inch cable…that’s where the propane goes. But not only is it supersized but it doesn’t work as well as my TV did before it was mooring in my living room. Every American male can ID a program or commercial in .004 seconds, it’s a primal carryover from millions of years of watching TV since we were swinging in trees and on an all banana diet. I could go from NBC (2) to Comedy Central (60) in eight seconds and find exactly what I wanted. The response time on the remote with the USS General Instruments is like driving a Toyota with four flats. We don’t need the guide, we don’t care about the guide, we can’t channel surf with this “aircraft carrier”. Big, slow and how about ugly too. The picture now and then “pixilates” as if the screen wants to be a chess board. I’ve even seen it black out for a second and lose signal like my friends with a dish get in bad weather. It never did this before. At least with a dish I could get NFL Sunday Ticket. If ESPN didn’t carry the Sunday night game I’d consider just going with the basic package. And Dave Chappelle too, worth the extra $400 a year. Rumor has it these THINGS aren’t even new but refurbished from a hotel chain. If only they could talk. So make that big, slow, ugly, and used. The music channels are OK I guess but none of them have Hotline. What good is radio on the TV without Jack Bennett selling used refrigerators, locals singing Happy Birthday to their niece in Ouzinkie, and dozens of calls complaining about their cable box. And how many of you know what PPV stands for? Plenty of Enis Pay and Agina Vay aka Pay Per View. I’d tell you what GCI stands for but children might read this. C’mon church peoples, they are pushing porn, give them “heck”. Big, slow, ugly, used, and dirty. Can I get a witness? Save us from this system!
We endure commercial satellite launch sites turned into military weapon test facilities.
We endure private companies and corporations claiming all the crab in the sea.
We endure a cycle of rain-snow-ice-rain-slush-cats-dogs-rain-etc beyond understanding.
And now we have digital cable boxes.
Usually the word digital is associated with the latest technological marvel such as digital cameras, digital cell phones, etc but this time we’ve taken a step forward and two back. The cable gods have upset myself and many others to the point some of us are willing to throw a virgin in the nearest volcano to free our TV from this THING. When Leonardo DiCaprio was clinging to a piece of wood in the frozen Atlantic before dying due to overexposure to a Celine Dion song I thought the Titanic was never to be seen again until I had to place it next to my set. I call it my Kalakala Converter. Soon I won’t be able to use the hidden tuner already inside my set, I’ll be forced to rely on Mount General Instruments. Who came up with that company name? Is it supposed to trick us into believing it’s the love child of a General Electric/Texas Instruments affair and thus some hybrid techno marvel? And why does it have an anchor? Something like this digital TV tuner in the year 2004 should be the size of a cable modem and almost out of sight. There is no way that thing is worth $500.00 either, more than what a basic PC goes for these days, unless my theory about it doubling as a gas grill is correct. That little four inch cable…that’s where the propane goes. But not only is it supersized but it doesn’t work as well as my TV did before it was mooring in my living room. Every American male can ID a program or commercial in .004 seconds, it’s a primal carryover from millions of years of watching TV since we were swinging in trees and on an all banana diet. I could go from NBC (2) to Comedy Central (60) in eight seconds and find exactly what I wanted. The response time on the remote with the USS General Instruments is like driving a Toyota with four flats. We don’t need the guide, we don’t care about the guide, we can’t channel surf with this “aircraft carrier”. Big, slow and how about ugly too. The picture now and then “pixilates” as if the screen wants to be a chess board. I’ve even seen it black out for a second and lose signal like my friends with a dish get in bad weather. It never did this before. At least with a dish I could get NFL Sunday Ticket. If ESPN didn’t carry the Sunday night game I’d consider just going with the basic package. And Dave Chappelle too, worth the extra $400 a year. Rumor has it these THINGS aren’t even new but refurbished from a hotel chain. If only they could talk. So make that big, slow, ugly, and used. The music channels are OK I guess but none of them have Hotline. What good is radio on the TV without Jack Bennett selling used refrigerators, locals singing Happy Birthday to their niece in Ouzinkie, and dozens of calls complaining about their cable box. And how many of you know what PPV stands for? Plenty of Enis Pay and Agina Vay aka Pay Per View. I’d tell you what GCI stands for but children might read this. C’mon church peoples, they are pushing porn, give them “heck”. Big, slow, ugly, used, and dirty. Can I get a witness? Save us from this system!
This was the unedited version. I saw three of these with each one shorter so I must have been trying to make their 300 word limit. NOBODY LIMITS NICK SANDIN, BIATCH!
The problem this time is the tuner in yer TV will no longer work soon and you'll have to have a black box even for basic cable, channels 2-18 (KYES Channel No. 5 smells like perfume). So if you have more than one TV, and you do if yer "a REAL American", you'll need a another box to watch anything.
And each box is $5 per month.
And each box has limited DVR capability.
And they are still the size of King Kong.
Having said all that I can't be too hard on GCI since they are rumored to be bringing in phone service at $15 a month vs. the $33 for 31 days I pay with ACS (Anti-Customer Service). They will also have HDTV in Kodiak soon which is as modern and unexpected as the previous post.
The problem this time is the tuner in yer TV will no longer work soon and you'll have to have a black box even for basic cable, channels 2-18 (KYES Channel No. 5 smells like perfume). So if you have more than one TV, and you do if yer "a REAL American", you'll need a another box to watch anything.
And each box is $5 per month.
And each box has limited DVR capability.
And they are still the size of King Kong.
Having said all that I can't be too hard on GCI since they are rumored to be bringing in phone service at $15 a month vs. the $33 for 31 days I pay with ACS (Anti-Customer Service). They will also have HDTV in Kodiak soon which is as modern and unexpected as the previous post.
