Orpheum Update: Johnny Depp is a Pirate x 4

To escape the eleven days of rain I hit our only movie house for a rare national release of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Being that my time in civilization is short this was my last chance to see a movie til August which also means it might be my last chance to see hot chicks before being on a boat with two other guys for two months. I have to say the mermaids didn't disappoint. Spankalicious. Penelope Cruz wasn't bad either (looks, not acting).



As for the rest of the movie? I'd seen one headline for a review that said YO-HO-HUM and I concur. I walked away thinking it was between good and OK. Blackbeard was well played, JD did his thing, and the King of England was the most disgusting character I've seen in some time, but Pirates doesn't carry the same swagger anymore. It seemed to lose it after the second movie in fact but whateva. Maybe it is just too family friendly. Like not one topless mermaid, no mermaid side boob, nothing. Tease. That's all you are Walt Disney, a tease. I can't get by in Bristol Bay on just a few shots of Cruz cleavage. After the credits there is an extra scene but I didn't even bother to stay for it after two and half hours of blueballing.

So I take it back. Maybe the mermaids did disappoint. Good luck getting me to go to the next one. Fool me four times, shame on you, fool me in 2013 with Pirates of the Caribbean: Soft Core Somolians, shame on me.

Catching Death: Crossing Swords

Hola, fisherfans. So what are Deadliest Catch fans called? Is there a nickname like Trekkies for them (you)? Crabbies? Landlovers? People without a date on a Tuesday night? One sec, I need to check the final of the Dallas-OKC game....

....OK. The Zombie Sonics lost. Where was I? Oh yes, the show. That was a grind to even watch. Lots of negativity and I think I have a headache from the never ending bleeping out of words. I wish they'd have an unedited version after 10:30pm just so I wouldn't have to here that f-wording sound. Or blank it out instead of bleeping. You hear me producer guy with the weird glasses?

We get to see what happens to Lynn who fell asleep during last week's closing credits. I don't like reading the credits either. They are in small print but they've never caused me to pass out. I must say I stand corrected on the odds of hitting another vessel as it is way more crowded than I thought. This coming from a Bristol Bay gill netter where you couldn't fish alone if you wanted to. Wizard 1, sandinyerface 0. Now a trick I learned for staying awake came from a past CM crewmemeber, the majority owner's son, who taught me to pull a nose hair when you are sleepy. Works like a charm. But don't take my word for it. Take some NyQuil and then half an hour later hank one of those bad boys out yer schnoz. If you own a nose hair trimmer and use it regularly I really don't know what to tell you except maybe die yuppie scum.

Kidding. I have one. So back to the crewmember with a girl's name. Again, why did he turn the watch alarm off? It's a snooze bar x 1000. You just don't do that. Unless you are on TV I guess. I'm a little suspicious on Colburn getting up after so much sleeplessness like that and would love to see the whole thing in real time but this is reality TV so I guess that isn't going to happen. All the crap rolling around the galley could have been doing that even if Lynnette was awake. Hmmmmm. I'd search his stateroom for a nose hair trimmer and toss it overboard like that guitar neck if I were skipper. BUT WHAT IF IT IS AN EAR HAIR TRIMMER???

They sure love showing those skull and bones on the bow, don't they? Have any of you even seen the movie Time Bandit? I confuse it with Ice Pirates which would also make a good name for such a fishing vessel. Dune...not so much. Now that wave that crashed over them was pretty good schmitt which is why we saw about 15 replays of it. They even took a commercial break and came back to a few more views of it. John Madden said Boom like twenty times at home with Princess Leia chained to his side.

Meanwhile on the boat named for my devoid of bikinis hometown, Dr. Wild is checking in with his patient with a bad back and dealing with this Adam dude who seems to be hormonal. I snickered quite loudly at the anger management line. Let's play a game. I'll give you the punchline, you name the joke: BECAUSE MAD COW WAS TAKEN! Although seems like one guy is on his schmittlist I bet Bill fires everyone by the end of the season. Wink. But I like the glasses look, William. Kate Middleton hooked up with the wrong guy.

Cornelia returns to the show this week and and Capt. D. has a lil mutiny on his hands. But it ain't him. It's the blue crab. Them mudderphutters are "elusive". It seems like everyone who goes after them fails. So why do they? Is this a Discovery influence? Regardless, after not seeing him at Catchcon I'm putting two plus two together and assuming he's not back for Opilios or will be endorsing any OTC tummy drugs in the next 50 years.

Now if I'm Jake or Josh and have 12 1/2% ownership I'm saying hot damn and hanging it up, collecting the check while others go bust their balls. They don't have to be there and can still make money. I've always opposed this slave system where the owner isn't on the boat but in their case I'd make an exception. In the limited entry permit fisheries I've done the permit holder MUST be on the boat. Think about it. Think about how this effects the future. Yes, this is the first time I've asked people who read my schmitt to think because I know this is more of a place to escape. My bad.

Just like the CM, T-Mobile Girl is BACK! I promised myself I'd cut down on the references to advertisements this week so I'll keep it short.

1. I predict a Weight Watchers for Guys tie in/product placement next season on one of the boats.
2. I like the back-up camera ad on the VW. Just not twice.
3. Tornado Rampage 2011 looks awesome.
4. I counted over 25 commercials during the program. They are on to you.

My dad watched with me again and was silent until Colburn said $50 per crab. Thought he was going to walk down to the dock and try and score a job for a second. And he probably could. He's way tougher than me. And Lynn. But I felt for this kid practically begging to be forgiven for falling asleep. I say no blood, no foul. Just don't turn the watch alarm off, Z.

Scottbrooke says things in a very simple way but he's dead on. I'll say now I hope they bring him back next season. The "save face" statement was exactly what I was thinking. Yes, could be editing, but FULLMER looked really bad with that Popsicle in his hand. Wait, they have Popsicles? Winter fishing?

Where the hell is the Northwestern? Sig Nation is going to bitch big time. Did I forget anyone? Yes, I did. The Incentive. So I posted a pic I took last year.

Anywho, the show ends with more meltdown on the CM which if nothing else is giving Knot's Landing a run for the money. Then they go to Swords without missing a beat. Same music, narrator, concept. They call it a "sneak peak" but it looks more like a pilot to me. I watched the first twelve minutes but wanted to pump this post out more than listen to any more bleeping. Dude I saw has been watching too many fishing shows I think. Potty mouth. I'm offended. FYI: I've never done a fishery with hooks, not even in the Red Light District, so it's actually more interesting to me in that respect. But I don't see the Perfect Storm crowd overtaking the Bering Boys anytime soon.

OK, about one more week before I send my arse towards False Pass to go cater to the Cowboys of the Sea. Next week's review will probably be my last until August. Like you care. Look for my halibut sex tape around the same time.

Quickie Video: SICK SICK SICK

A week ago 16Volt released their latest album Beating Dead Horses and I wanted to post another video from the album release party on April 20th. This has been my f-wording theme song since the first time I heard it almost a month ago (pinkie and index finger extended). I wish they could have played this on the P.A. when I took the mound Saturday like I was some hot shot closer.

Glory Days Meet 2011 Reality

Saturday I was honored with the chance to throw out the first pitch of the 2011 Kodiak Little League season at their opening ceremonies. The island is in a celebrity recession so they chose yers truly. Suck it, Bosley.

A lot has changed since 1984 when I was on Elks. You could say in some ways things have almost come full circle. When I was 12 the girls got their own softball league started at East Addition Park. Today that program has folded and girls have to chose between fast pitch with the boys or jack schmitt. And there are only three teams. In 1983 we had Bankers, Sutliffs, Brechans, Elks, and Krafts in the first stage of the post crab boom years.

But the scaling back doesn't stop there as there is a rumor all Kodiak High School athletics could be axed since the KIBSD is going to be about six million bucks short of usual. Is this the beginning of a new era? Are we just coming full circle back to a time before we spent thousands of dollars to send kids to play off island? Will the athletic director transform into head of high school intramurals and revive competition within the school instead of sending a selected few to the mainland? Is that necessarily bad? Or has the possibility of Bears sports being dropped been exaggerated and/or false?

OOOOOR did I write all of this just as an excuse to use that picture of my weak form on the mound? Hey, I wasn't going to light the kid's glove up with a 68 mph rocket or my patented Swedish knuckleball on a windy day that has more motion than my beer gut on the dance floor at Bernie's. He wasn't wearing protective gear and I don't need a lawsuit for breaking Junior's hand so I lobbed it in. Plus you can't go full wind-up when you are playing politician. And 90% of the people attending didn't know who I was anyway. But kid didn't even have to move his mitt an inch. I could hear the ghost of Herman Buekers calling STEEEE-RIKE.

As for those who asked why I wasn't dressed better for the event and wore my dirty sweats....fishing, duh. I'm a dirty deck animal, not The Donald. Left all my suits and leather loafers in Seatown. But check out the KMXT/JOTR love with the new hoodie. Didn't wear my Kodiak Island Brewing hat and Tony's Bar sweatshirt so give me some credit. Plus I was planning to go straight to the gym afterwards and pump mass quantities of iron to get my bod back to international supermodel standards. And yes, I'll buy the kid a beer in ten years to make up for the humiliation of getting photographed with me.

sandinyerface does not endorse Subway but would if they gave me money.

Quickie Video: My Woody Is On Fire

El Sandinista got all action news team up in this mudderphutter today and caught this grass fire on Woody Island before it went out an hour later. This is proof Jesus hates Lesnoi Inc. Not really. It would have been cool to see the firefighting plane from the mainland make a drop on it but it was almost dinner time and I wasn't sticking.

Catching Death: The ESPN Inspired Review

Beautiful blue skies in Kodiak today and gusts to 47 to ruin the rare sun sighting. As I wait a couple more weeks to go to Bristol Bay I really only had two things to do today: watch this show again and collect money from my friend's wife who bought a couch off me. The exciting life of a guy who works on a boat. Should have been a fireman.

Forgot they forgot to show the Wizard last week but Colburn is in so many ads now it didn't occur to me. It looks like they can only fit in six boats adequately per episode. I saw a Facebook poll after the show asking if they should stick to the "original" boats or if the new ones are a good addition. They have to try new boats in case something happens to one of the other ones. You are thinking sinking but I'm thinking retirement and not just from the show but from the whole fishery. That's right. I'd bet one or two of the boats yall are most familiar with won't be back in 2012. And from what I hear now and then there are less and less boats that want to deal with a camera crew and have all their liabilities recorded for the ambulance chasers on shore.

When is Jon Bon Jovi going to do a show in Akutan? Does he think he's too good to perform there? Arena football taking up too much of his time? Did they add reverb to the intro music or are my ears still ringing from Saturday night?

The Swamp Brothers ticker in the lower right hand corner of the screen is pissing me off. This isn't New Years or 24. Everyone is changing the channel to Sportscenter. Or Lifetime based on the demographics.

I like how the generator or engine or whatever overheated at the dock with a camera locked on it as the lights went out. That's what we call....fishy. Kind of wish they'd hit the dock in a hockey/NASCAR way. I don't think they'd fake that.

Ah, the Wizard is back and I'm surprised he hasn't renamed the boat the F/V Prilosec for an extra buck but renaming a boat is considered bad luck. So I'll shut up. Now why aren't they showing this mentioned brawl between the crews at this Cape Cheerful bar that I don't ever hear anything about. Has DC gone WWE? Seriously, a broken guitar? How about a ladder match and getting Ric Flair involved? You know they have footage of this assuming there really was a fight although I do believe these guys don't like each other the same way football players compete for the spotlight. It's like McNabb and T.O. all over again. Of course Owens never called any QB a slime bucket. Oh no, not that!

Vaseline MEN. That's not how I'd use it. And Ice Cube went from St. Ides to Coors Light. What world am I living in?

480 miles from Dutch Harbor is a long arse skiff ride. The Seabrooke still has the guy who quit after two hours working four days later. Nice one. Fooled me. Whateva. Watching his body bounce around like a racquetball makes me laugh. But I like "the horn" more than Mac White who definitely has a boner for the camera. A raging blue veiner, no doubt. But it could be editing. I'll say that when he's kicking my arse up and down Shelikof Street outside the B.

"Complaining is a mortal sin," says Mr. Rowe and this is pretty accurate. You might not be the best on deck but if you can grin and bare it you might get your job back. I'd alter that to complaining is a morale sin.

The replay of his foot almost getting caught in the line made me miss Monday Night Football on some play in the back of the end zone. End the lockout you sons of bitches. Think if Jon Gruden narrated this show. Hmmmmm. OK, done thinking.

Jake Anderson blows up again and spices up the show for a minute but you've come to expect this. I want Edgar to hold up a yellow card or give him a T. SURVEY SAYS.....XXX. Richard Dawson rules. Jake, Ron Artest, and Milton Bradley walk into a bar and the bartender says......

Stuck on sports references tonight. Don't know why.

Innova. For vegan dogs. Then back to the Seabrooke to see if dude has quit again. Boing, boing, boing. Don't be surprised if he's on IMDB.

Time Bandit comes in aaaaaaaaand they are done. Slimebucket on the Slime Banks. I insist Johnny Boy get a cameo in the next Depp pirate movie. As a merman. Usually only women use the term slime bucket about guys (me) who hit on them when they are married. Ice Cube, now that mudderphutter could insult people. With no Vaseline. I just thought of this: how about a cage match on the deck of the boat and you have to toss your opponent in the hold to win. Get Vince McMahon on the phone STAT.

The sea gull in the galley was gross. I'd Lysol the schmitt out of that place afterwards. Nasty birds. They aren't the souls of dead sailors, they are nasty arse birds and that one was near the food.

So why doesn't Scott give "horn" some time for his hands to come around? Couldn't they four-man it until his hands recover? His hands won't recover. He's toast. He's got "the claw" and even if he does then everyone might want a break and rotate so f-word that. Now we get to see him cry in his bunk looking at family photos (honey shot) as the macho meter hits zero and 45 year old human female viewers reach out to their flat panels to comfort him. But this was Scott's fault for taking him in the first place. And I always cry in the head where I can be alone with my feelings. I hate my body.

We finish this week with a deckhand on wheel watch nodding off to sleep in the eery green glow of a night vision camera. Every single fisherman I know has a falling asleep at the wheel story. The odds of hitting another vessel are pretty slim out there although turning of the alarm was a pretty big no no. Red Bull, kid. Mainline it. We can expect another Keith Colburn meltdown within the next ten minutes of next week's show I'm sure. Now if the Wizard collided with the Time Bandit I think the producer would supernova in his pants. They'd just sit there in the helicopter and let it happen.

This week no Cornelia Marie, Ramblin' Rose, and for the hat trick the Kodiak disappears for a third time in four weeks. Might start calling him Mild Bill at this rate. Imagine how the guys who shot all the footage feel that they got banged around out there for a month and nothing they taped was used.

Quickie Video: Pole Dancing Classes

Former Jock of the Rock guest Amanda posted this video in which she appears very briefly. Reminds me I never posted my Vegas trip on here. Hmmmmm. That reddish background kind of looks like Tony's. What if.......

Not My Last Post...I Hope

A few days ago the best writer I semi-know posted a link to this story of a Canadian blogger who posted from the grave upon his recent departure due to colon cancer. You know what? How about just cancer. It isn't a sports injury. Cancer is cancer and cancer is a horrible disease no matter what form you have. If I get colon cancer please just say I had cancer and make no mention of my colon. Same goes for the prostate. If you write my obit you can substitute my brave battle with long schlong cancer for any cancer I get but still it would be best just to say cancer.

So this man with two daughters and a wife he adored completely makes sure the world knows this and then some as the post went v-word (I hate that word) all over the web. I wasn't as moved as many I guess because it was pretty basic but I assume when you are that close to the end you edit out all the crap and get right to the point. Plus I've kinda seen this before. But I think he was lucky he got to say these things. It seems like every third flight into Kodiak with the wind tossing the twin banger winged weenie around over Woody Island I wonder if I should have updated my will. Still haven't done a post-Nick post or made a video as planned.

And I should do this as I'm working on a boat that has more operating bilge pumps than I can count and a crane with a twitch. Plus in case you didn't notice I drink way too much which will surely kill me first. And of course there is still that dark side of me that prevents me from owning fire arms because I still have, although slight, the capacity to point a laser sightonmyface. But I ain't going out like that. Maybe when I'm 88 and my social security is cut down to three cans of Alpo a month.

I have to say it is tempting to start thanking people in my life right now and not wait for an end date. But I don't want to give anyone a big head and then end up hearing about it for the next 24 years how I actually complimented someone so forget that schmitt. Maybe I should just name all the dogs I loved/knew for more than a day.

Cubby
Ming
Sadie
Ole
Kilo
Marley
Sassy
Sonny*
Max (it was a one night thing)
Spotty
Patches
Lucy
Rickles

Not Toby. Could never love a poodle. Anywho, the one thing I really did like about Derek's final farewell was this paragraph.

"I haven't gone to a better place, or a worse one. I haven't gone anyplace, because Derek doesn't exist anymore. As soon as my body stopped functioning, and the neurons in my brain ceased firing, I made a remarkable transformation: from a living organism to a corpse, like a flower or a mouse that didn't make it through a particularly frosty night. The evidence is clear that once I died, it was over."

Couldn't have said it better myself. Kidding, yes I could but the point is I agree with him. The human ego is so powerful people (except for Phil Jackson and maybe the guy who trained Batman) can not conceive not existing. We make up a lot of things to fill in the literal blank that follows. This reminds me of the guy at Shorty's Bar who called me a nihilist after only a ten minute conversation but whateva. I wonder if I wasn't turning 40 in a few months if I would have even bothered posting this?

*pictured