Sitting at the computer around 6:15pm yesterday I clicked over to CNN.com and there was a breaking news banner in yellow across the top stating the President was going to address the nation on short notice at 10:30pm EST. I switched to the television branch of the on-line site and they said it had to do with national security and that's all they knew at that time. But they didn't have to say it because I already knew. The alien invasion was coming. For ten more minutes I was sure generations of arse probed human males and females was about to come to a head and no amount of Reese's Pieces was going to stop it. Guess I can skip the next prostate exam.
So when they leaked that Osama bin Laden had taken some hot lead to the dome c/o yer US Navy SEALs I was relieved. Then I remembered Battle: LA was playing at Rusty's Funhouse so a couple hours later I rode the scooter downtown and caught the film. As I approached the door I saw a man and his son on the corner of Kraft's (A.C.) parking lot waving 'Merican flags. Wish I had my camera and wondered how many people might be there when I got out.
There were only three previews. One is for that Little Red Riding Hood thing that's made by someone tied to Twilight which looks like teenage make out crap. I'm willing to bet based solely on the trailer that LRR is actually the Big Bad Wolf. Like the whole Tyler Durden thing. And if that ain't the case then it must be Casey Kelly.
Of course there is some woman who can't shut the f-word up near me and I decided to move rather than tell her to shut the f-word up. This is why people quit going to theaters. I seriously wanted Rusty to go Navy SEALs onherface.
So they introduce the characters who are all Marines one by one and in no time I care about none of them. It seems like it takes forever and since there is no gun fire yet I'm still listening for that bitch's voice despite being further away. Then schmitt starts blowing up and the comparison to Skyline begins.
Visually it is pretty good, sounded even better, but wasn't holding my attention completely. It needed Optimus Prime or Jack Bauer or at least some side boob. Predictably the jarheads get picked off over the course of the flick and the aliens are here for our water. I thought water killed them? Spock saving the whales is more believable. A scientist claims they are using the oceans so fast that the sea level has dropped. Kind of lost me with that line. And of the 20 cities they invade around the world Los Angeles isn't the one I'd want to be saved. I felt this way before the Giants fan got beat into a coma. They could have at least shown Kobe Bryant get blasted. Friendly fire by a Marine with a Boston accent would have saved the whole picture. Maybe in Battle: Denver. But instead of a Celtics fan pulling the trigger it is Lara Logan. That's right, I'm doing the Mutombo finger.
Looking back I think I may have liked future Razzie winner Skyline better, mainly because the aliens won. But I was only out $5.75 and happy I didn't see this in Seattle for twice as much in a multiplex with ten bitches who won't shut the f-word up. When I left the flag wavers were gone and I rode home on a crisp 32 degree night to dream of all the sex scenes this movie lacked.
So when they leaked that Osama bin Laden had taken some hot lead to the dome c/o yer US Navy SEALs I was relieved. Then I remembered Battle: LA was playing at Rusty's Funhouse so a couple hours later I rode the scooter downtown and caught the film. As I approached the door I saw a man and his son on the corner of Kraft's (A.C.) parking lot waving 'Merican flags. Wish I had my camera and wondered how many people might be there when I got out.
There were only three previews. One is for that Little Red Riding Hood thing that's made by someone tied to Twilight which looks like teenage make out crap. I'm willing to bet based solely on the trailer that LRR is actually the Big Bad Wolf. Like the whole Tyler Durden thing. And if that ain't the case then it must be Casey Kelly.
Of course there is some woman who can't shut the f-word up near me and I decided to move rather than tell her to shut the f-word up. This is why people quit going to theaters. I seriously wanted Rusty to go Navy SEALs onherface.
So they introduce the characters who are all Marines one by one and in no time I care about none of them. It seems like it takes forever and since there is no gun fire yet I'm still listening for that bitch's voice despite being further away. Then schmitt starts blowing up and the comparison to Skyline begins.
Visually it is pretty good, sounded even better, but wasn't holding my attention completely. It needed Optimus Prime or Jack Bauer or at least some side boob. Predictably the jarheads get picked off over the course of the flick and the aliens are here for our water. I thought water killed them? Spock saving the whales is more believable. A scientist claims they are using the oceans so fast that the sea level has dropped. Kind of lost me with that line. And of the 20 cities they invade around the world Los Angeles isn't the one I'd want to be saved. I felt this way before the Giants fan got beat into a coma. They could have at least shown Kobe Bryant get blasted. Friendly fire by a Marine with a Boston accent would have saved the whole picture. Maybe in Battle: Denver. But instead of a Celtics fan pulling the trigger it is Lara Logan. That's right, I'm doing the Mutombo finger.
Looking back I think I may have liked future Razzie winner Skyline better, mainly because the aliens won. But I was only out $5.75 and happy I didn't see this in Seattle for twice as much in a multiplex with ten bitches who won't shut the f-word up. When I left the flag wavers were gone and I rode home on a crisp 32 degree night to dream of all the sex scenes this movie lacked.
