Welcome to 2008, I’m yer host Capt. Nick. Actually I’m more in line to go with Soviet New Year in a couple weeks because I still have a trip in the near future so I won’t begin any exercise and dieting until after Seatown and Sandin Ego, CA. I’m coming back Lindsay, save me a towel!Speaking of egos, in the last week I have been repeatedly given some “tips” on how I should be. Some of the advice comes from people I don’t know very well and in the past I think I would have been offended, defensive, or postal. But NeoNick is a more refined crude and is open to suggestions on how this perfect ten can hit eleven. I guess my question is why have a few people vocalized on this all around the same time? It might have to do with a certain website.
Welcome back. Most of the chatter that I’ve intercepted concerns my attire. Word is if I dressed “better” I’d make a dating surge of some kind but I find this unlikely due to population statistical realities. But I agree, maybe it is time for a Madonna-class reinvention so long as it doesn’t undermine who I am and I don‘t hang from a crucifix in concert in Germany. The lady at the Mother Frances Shelter for Starving Sons loves a teleshow called What Not To Wear. I call it What Not To Watch. However, I’ve seen them transform total slobs into decent looking ‘Mericans. Once they turned a semi truck into a 60’ foot robot from Mars. Not really. But I really hate that show. It is unAlaskan to the core yet I have to admit it seems to make a positive difference in the lives of those poor losers. Think what it could do for a world champion such as I.
The main issue it seems with my wardrobe is the “sporty” look. JC with a side of rice, I’m THE JOCK OF THE ROCK for crying out loud, I have to carry that image. I wear my Seahawks jerseys like a burka and I find it ignorant that people in the 21st century still fail to recognize the National Football League, my chosen faith, as the one true religion. I was married to my franchise at age ten and shall never leave their side. If Matt Hasselbeck called me again and this time told me to make a vest out of C-4 and walk into Edward Jones Stadium and take out a whole section of Rams fans I’d probably consider it. Of course then someone would tell me the vest doesn’t match my shoes.
I wore a brown Padres hat and satin sweats just about every day of high school. Didn’t own a pair of jeans until I was 20 when Hartford Sucks Howie actually gave me some in an effort to improve my appearance. That was probably the last major design shift my body has seen. I haven’t bought a suit since 1997 in Las Vegas, don’t know how to tie a necktie (proud of that one), and have only worn a tux once in 36 years. I have never put gel in my hair. I guess that doesn’t apply.
Let us not forget that this is Kodiak and one should be practical as well. For example I tried to tidy up last night and wore my pimp shoes (from 1997) but soon as I stepped on the ice I realized listening to my weenizzle was placing the rest of my bones in danger. Quite often you can’t dress that well here because it is wet and dirty. I’M ROLLIN’ WET-N-DIRTY, TRY TO CATCH ME WET-N-DIRTY. I’m old, I don’t even know how it goes. Simply put, slacks and snow do not mix. XtraTufs and a bar hoodie are cultural in this community and shouldn’t kill yer game entirely, especially in the age of Global Blowing (credit LM for that one). It's Rezanof Drive, not Rodeo Drive.
And where are you going to buy anything trendy to wear? Kodiak Marine Supply? On-line I suppose or on vacation. Yall know-it-alls (whoever you are and I will find out because there are no secrets on The Rock) better step up and e-mail me yer two cents before I leave on Friday with yer “tips”. I have my eye on a black and neon green Tatupu jersey so speak up before I abandon the semi-resolution.
Then there is possibility of metrosexual backlash. The problem with dressing well in a blue collar, small rural community can tag you as nonhetero faster than saying you are an E2 (unless you claim that just to get cheaper golf). I know my rep already battles the grapevine in the sexual preference department and taking on the Men’s Health look isn’t going to help. The solution to this is the formation of a Street Credit Score Agency. Just like Equifax, Experian and TransUnion, we need a place we can check our Kodiak Reputation Rating. This is why I should be mayor. For $19.95 a year you can get yer KRR report sent to you that includes:
Real age and weight listings of potential partners/victims
Certified sexual orientation by past lovers, booty calls, and random hoes
Conformation of carnal occurrences with past lovers, booty calls, and random hoes
Mall Alcoholism Rating adjusted to rural Alaska standards
Baby’s Mama Crazy BIATCH Scale
Baby’s Daddy Psycho D-Bag Scale
Puked in Cab/Urinating In Public Ratio adjusted to rural Alaska standards
Financial contributions to the Villagio AutoFry Food System
86ed from Mecca Behavior Analysis
Certified sexual orientation by past lovers, booty calls, and random hoes
Conformation of carnal occurrences with past lovers, booty calls, and random hoes
Mall Alcoholism Rating adjusted to rural Alaska standards
Baby’s Mama Crazy BIATCH Scale
Baby’s Daddy Psycho D-Bag Scale
Puked in Cab/Urinating In Public Ratio adjusted to rural Alaska standards
Financial contributions to the Villagio AutoFry Food System
86ed from Mecca Behavior Analysis
CALL NOW AND GET THE ADDED BONUS “THE VD BLACKLIST” ABSOLUTELY FREE. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY, HERE’S HOW TO ORDER……
It might be easier to just make out with some random chick in The Bar That Is Little on a Thursday night with a few witnesses. Wait, there are no random chicks, we all know each other. Damnit!
So I guess I can start by wearing my beloved “12” jerseys less than six times a week and taking my ball cap off more than twice a month. The other areas that came back to me to improve on aren’t so straight forward.
One involved promoting my position with The-Job-I-Can’t-Talk-About but you see the problem there already. Sure, I can discuss what I do for phat stacks of greenbacks outside my massive media empire but even if it is to my advantage I’m not going to do that and act like I’m some f-wording saint or so-called good guy. That’s bulls#!t. It is phony. And that mixes right in with the Duality of El Sandinista. It has been presented that my wu-tang sandinyerface style isn’t always attractive. Those who aren’t smart enough only recognize half the reality, aren’t going to get the whole picture and are doomed to fail in my eyes anyway. Few pass. I can dress up but I won’t dumb down, even if it is a little raw at times. I suspect these are the same people who like leash laws.
So Mysterious Overseers of Me , thank you for the constructive criticisms and input, I do sincerely appreciate it. Now everyone go fork over $149 to KAC, cut the carbs like ratz cut the crabs, and set the Stairmaster to Maximum Barometer Ascent.
